I have been collecting black and white cows for over 20 years. With every Mother’s Day, birthday and Christmas, more cows were added to the collection. Over the years I have had well over 200 hundred cows. Some are no longer with us (insert taps music here) due to breakage from
throwing balls in the house old age, or just falling apart (also like old age, dammit). Sometimes a cow just doesn’t “go” anymore and has to be retired.
All of my cows are beautiful. Except for one. I have the honor of having the ugliest cow, ever. Having had probably just about every cow ever made in my collection at one time or another, I think it would be fair to say if anyone could be the judge of cow beauty, it would be me.
Here are a few examples of pretty cows:
Even the chewed-up dog toy cow is prettier than my ugly cow.
The ugly cow has a story, as do pretty much all of the cows in my house. The ugly cow comes from Venezuela. We were staying at a beachside resort when I saw a man making soapstone carvings. They were all very good, dolphins and suns and stuff like that. I asked him if he could make a cow for me. He stared at me blankly because I totally forgot he doesn’t speak English. So I asked in my, didn’t-bother-to-take-it-in-high-school Spanish, if he could make a vaca. Between my non-Spanish and his non-English, we managed an arrangement to meet the next morning and he would carve for me a beautiful vaca.
I hadn’t seen any cows on this Isle de Margarita, so I figured maybe he had to go look it up to see exactly what he was carving. And honestly, I’m wondering what book he looked in, because at first glance, I wasn’t sure this was a vaca.
It has a cow bell, so it must be a cow, right? But something seems wrong with its head.
It’s eyes have a distinct Asian flair.
Even with the language barrier, he was able to convey to me how proud he was of the udders. With all six nipples. It’s a cow, all right.
This cow used to have little dainty ears, but Phoebe chewed them off. So now this poor cow is ugly and has no ears. Poor thing.
But I keep it because I’m pretty sure I’m the only one in the world with an ugly Venezuelan, hand carved, six teated, Asian faced cow.
Ugly, schmugly, I love it.