Thursday, July 2, 2009

Letters from home…

I love to get mail. Email, junk mail doesn’t matter. I don’t particularly care for the mail asking me if I want my penis to be larger. But hey, there’s nothing sadder than an empty mailbox. With it being today there in Austin and tomorrow here in Abu Dhabi, it’s hard to get into a flow of emails. I send and then wait for her to wake up and read. By the time she gets a chance to write back, I’m in bed. And so it goes. The upside (and there is always an upside to everything!) is that I have mail first thing in the morning. I have something to read with my coffee. I’d like to share this morning’s email. Because, let’s be honest, stuff like this is so funny! Especially when it happens to someone else:

Dawn in Abu Dhabi,

Okay... i need a moment to vent... the air, that is.  Sienna (my lovable little Houdini pooch) tried to make a little friend this morning.  Upon waking and letting her out to pee, she escaped the backyard.  Shocker.  Brian got her from the front yard and ugh.. what is that smell?  Oh, it's a skunk.  Yup.  Apparently we have at least one in the neighborhood, and it is not friends with Sienna.  The skunk made it quite clear that she did not want to be messed with by this stupid dog.

Well, my house now stinks to high... um... to high... to... I can't think of a comparison.  It's worse than garbage.   It's worse than sewage.  It's worse than cat pee.  It's worse than dead bodies (although you would know more about that).  It's worse than anything else that stinks.  It's even worse than skunk smell you discover driving down the road.  There is nothing like pure, undisturbed skunk.  It's the eau de parfum version.  I knew that it was infamously bad, but I had no idea.  I really thought that that smell that you find on the road from time to time is what skunks smell like, only stronger.  No... it's just worse.  It was so strong, I was gagging and coughing.  So, we may be moving if I can't get the smell to dissipate.

Well, Sienna to the shower with Brian and me to the internet.  Everything I could find was bottles I could purchase that are guaranteed to work.  Well, it's like 6:30 a.m.... I don't have those bottles.  I need some old Indian remedy that works.  Stuff made with things in my pantry.  I did find out that the old tomato juice thing reportedly doesn't work.  Good thing too, we didn't have any tomato juice.  But we did pour a bunch of ketchup on her and scrub, just in case.  You know, the internet is full of lies... it might still be true.   I did find several references to this baking soda, hydrogen peroxide and Dawn (not you, because you are not in my kitchen either).  Well, this is just great.  It sounds like stuff people have, but not me.  I have baking soda and I have Dawn, but no peroxide.  So, we used vinegar instead.  I'm not sure how good it worked.  She did smell better... or perhaps our noses just got numb.  Hell, Luling TX smells just fine after you have been there for a while. 

So, now I'm at work, praying that I don't smell, and hoping that my house smells better later today when I go home.  If not, I think I will try to score some napalm at Academy or maybe Walmart and destroy the place.   Maybe I can come live with you guys in Addis Ababa or wherever the hell you are?  Are there skunks there? 

Oh, Brian got a new truck.  It's a diesel 2500 HD something or other.  Real MAN truck.  This is because we need to have something with power to pull the travel-trailer (that we pull maybe 4-6 times per year) and diesel trucks last forever.  Oh, and of course if there is ever an apocolypse or some devasting virus... and we survive but the world runs out of unleaded fuel, we can run the diesel on Corn Oil (like Wesson) so that we can escape any man-eating zombies chasing people around the city.  Whew... now I can breathe a sigh of relief!  I'm so glad he takes care of us... and is so proactive!

Well, I'm off.  I will talk to you soon.    One more week!  Yippee!

Sharon in Stinkville


  1. That was hilarious! I want to get her e-mails too. Perfect and what a way to start a morning!
    I just woke up to crying cat standing on my bed who thinks he is the alarm clock!!!!!! He is not on my good list today! When I scream at him it doesn't even phase him. Nothing shuts him up until I sit up! It would be just awesome if I could slap the top of his head and turn him off like an alarm clock.

  2. Awesome. Just one more reason we DON'T have a dog. Yet. Two kids. My dogless clock is running out.

  3. My gosh, that was hilarious! And to think, I've been complaining about a farting dog. I too, would love to wake up to an email like that!

  4. little does she know but there is something worse.....maggotted food. remember the time my cuz and i went to ac for the weekend and the condo tenant had moved out 2 months before and left fo in the fridge - and on top ofhe fridge - and then turned the electricity off. well - that was the worst. and nothat orange clean stuff makes me sick to my stommach as we covered the entire condo with it. phew!!

  5. OMG. Laughed till I had tears in my eyes. And she's right. If you think a skunk smell is what you smell along the road, you've never experienced it up close and personal. When I was growing up in a suburb of St. Paul "out in the country." we had a cat and dog. It wasn't unusual to find presents and leftovers from the night's hunt sitting on the front steps in the morning. Every once in awhile one of them would come in wrapped in Eau d'Pew from an encounter with a skunk that didn't want to come home as a present. It was every bit as bad as Sharon described. We would throw the cat back outside, and 24 hours later you couldn't smell anything on him. I guess he licked it off. Lassie was a different matter. I remember we did the tomato juice thing and that seemed to work the best - at least making it tolerable when we would let her back inside after a day or two...


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